30 Years With Homer


According to experts, April, 2017 is the 30th Anniversary of “The Simpsons” on television. That’s longer than “Gunsmoke” lasted. Longer than Bob Newhart’s two wonderful comedies added together (ie, “The Bob Newhart Show” and “Bob”). When Homer Simpson was asked the secret to “his” success, he replied: “donuts”. Homer is a Father figure almost equal to Atticus Finch. Homer has provided TV viewers with 30 years of laughter and wisdom. So, I asked him: “Could you tell me a dozen pieces of advice you’ve provided as a television star?” He was happy to oblige. He said he would count his remarks for me. Here are the words of wisdom he provided.

“If you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet. They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

“Lisa, if you don’t like your life, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.”

“Well, it’s 1 AM. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.”

“How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?”

“Being popular is the most important thing in the world.”

“I only read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird.” And it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds.”

“And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive?”

“I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”

“I’d be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees.”

“I like my veggies wrapped in bacon, sprinkled with brown sugar, and baked until the sugar is bubbly.”


“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”

“Trying is the first step toward failure.”

“I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with people and things start to change very quickly.”

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”

“You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.”

“If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

“I’m a Simpson and a Simpson never gives up unless he’s tried at least one easy thing.”

“As I always say: Don’t get mad. Get dinner.”

“Baseball is so boring without beer.”

“You can have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing you will never have…a dinosaur.”


I’m sorry there are more than a dozen pearls of wisdom in this article. But Homer insisted he had given exactly the 12 I requested.









About rcarmean

Two things... First, why have I decided to establish this blog? I like to put essays together. I research an idea or topic looking for information, statistics, stories, quotes, pictures, etc. I enjoy the process and seeing a finished product. I’m told that as I get older, new activities can help maintain energy and keep my brain alert. In other words, I am not doing this for money or fame. Second, regarding the gentleman in the collage of pictures above...it's not me. Those are photos of Christy Mathewson. Why him? When I was young, my primary activity was being sick. It took up much of my time. Eczema (a case so bad I was written up in a medical journal showing doctors what their patients COULD look like), asthma, and allergies. You know allergies: don’t eat this, don’t wear that, and, for Heaven’s sake, don’t touch any of these things (eg, dogs, cats, horses --I only saw horses in cowboy movies and TV shows, dust, swimming pools, my brother --OK, that’s an exaggeration, Rick was a fine brother). In my spare time between doctors' appointments, pills, and ointments, baseball kept me sane. In the 1940s and 1950s, when I grew up, pro footballI and basketball had not yet become extremely popular. Baseball truly was “the national pastime.” I listened to games on the radio (remember it? TV without the picture). I read magazines, books, and newspaper accounts of games. I collected baseball cards. I learned about the game’s history, as well as present. The same with its stars. One man stood out: Christy Mathewson. He was a great pitcher for the New York Giants in the early 20th century. But there was much more to him. At a time when professional athletes made little money (yes, there was such a time) and ball players were considered on the same level as actors, artists, and prostitutes, Mathewson stood out. One of his nicknames was: “The Christian Gentleman.” Most men is baseball drank, smoked, cursed, and fought —with other players, umpires, and fans. The fights were physical, not just verbal. Mathewson did none of these things. But he earned the respect of other players who did them all. Even Ty Cobb and John McGraw. There’s more. He was a college graduate (Bucknell University) when most men were lucky to have a high school diploma. He played other sports, including pro football which you wouldn’t recognize. He was handsome. He played in New York City, then as now, the largest city in the country. Excellence and popularity there meant fame and money. He dressed well. Today, his commercials would rival LeBron’s. And, finally, a hero’s life must have tragedy. After his playing career ended, WWI arrived. He suffered from influenza and was exposed to mustard gas. Chemical warfare. His lungs were damaged and he required treatment for the rest of his life. (Like my Grandfather who also fought in The Great War.) He died in 1925. He was 45 years old. I have his picture here because you need to know more about him than me. He was what an athlete could be. Players like him and their accomplishments got me through a sickly, painful childhood and can still sustain me in difficult times. *****
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